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Page history last edited by Sweeten101 13 years, 8 months ago

When comes

The breath of life

He stirs

Waking, aching


And then a yell

Sounds in the night

Leaving the boy

To ponder, ponder


The battle goes on

Surrounding him

Legend in the making

Crying, dying


Boots come at the boy

Hands lift him

Gently cradling

Rocking, rocking


The Legend survives.

Comments (8)

Sweeten101 said

at 5:52 pm on Feb 11, 2010

hahahahahaha. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself

Volkes_Wagon said

at 5:54 pm on Feb 11, 2010

OMG ITS MOSES okay no i have no idea if that's true. but whatever. cool.
i'd like it better if, instead of "surrounding the boy", it was "surrounding him".

Sweeten101 said

at 8:22 pm on Feb 11, 2010

i have no idea who its about.
if u want it can b about moses

Volkes_Wagon said

at 11:50 pm on Feb 11, 2010

ahh, rereading it again i'm starting to like "ponder, wonder" or "wonder, ponder" better. i really should stop criticizing this, huh. they're all small things. but it's always the small things that annoy the heck out of me. *gasp, realization. am i...a perfectionist!!?? *shock

Mokona Go said

at 9:07 am on Feb 12, 2010

no, criticism is good.

Sweeten101 said

at 5:54 pm on Mar 21, 2010

internal rhyme

Volkes_Wagon said

at 8:43 pm on Mar 21, 2010

...hum...it feels more like a refrain, but that works too.

Sweeten101 said

at 8:54 pm on Mar 21, 2010

waking aching
crying dying
and i dont have to do refrain

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